Pirate Email Life
by ValerieJoyKelly
Summary: If pirates had the fantastic technology of e-mail...


**Disclaimer: I do not own Facebook, EBay, Lonely Hearts or Pirates of the Caribbean (regrettably)**

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**From:** Facebook (_activation(at)facebook. com_)  
**Sent:** 06 July 1991, 07:03pm  
**To:** sailingdaseas(at)  
**Subject:** Facebook Account Confirmation  
Elizabeth Swann,  
This e-mail is to confirm your registration with us at Facebook – a social utility that connects you with the people around you.  
Your account information:  
E-mail: sailingdaseas(at)  
Password: silverbuccaneer  
To activate your account, please click on this link.  
If you have not registered with us and no longer wish to receive these e-mails please click on this link.  
Thank you,  
The Facebook Team

**From: **EBay (_customerservice(at)ebay. com_)  
**Sent: **07 July 1991, 07:49am  
**To: **bigambitions(at)piratesahoy. gov  
**Subject: **Order confirmation  
This e-mail is to confirm that William Turner ordered:  
4 Falchion longswords  
1 taupe ostrich fringe feathered hat  
Your total payment is: £237  
We accept cash, Visa, MasterCard, Paypal or debit payments – to pay for your items, click on this **link.  
**EBay – whatever it is, you can get it on EBay and shop victoriously!

**From: **rumgalore(at)blackpearl. co. uk  
**Sent:** 07 July 1991, 14:18pm  
**To: **powderedwig(at)englishrose. com  
**Subject: **My Sincere Apologies  
Dear Commodore,  
I am offering you my sincerest and heartfelt apologies for so maliciously robbing you (yet again) of the triumph that convoys with having a notorious pirate in your grasp and powerless to flee – alas, I did flee though in my humble justification, I warned you. Again, my sincerest apologies – still, there'll always be another time when you, blinded by your most hostile desire to throw me in prison, will make an utter stupidity of yourself in the tedious process and I will retreat with your antagonistic threats of the gallows ringing in my poor susceptible ears. I, unlike you have no massive, fluffy wig to shield them from vicious threats as that.  
Yours Pirately,  
Captain Jack Sparrow  
P.S. Don't despair, my dearest Commodore! You will always remember this as the day that you almost caught Captain Jack Sparrow!  
P.P.S. Seriously, ditch the monstrosity mate. That which we call a wig by any other name would look as spurious – and it makes you look sixty times older.  
P.P.P.S. Oh, and give my amiable regards to Will Turner - and darling Lizzie McFizzie.

**From: **powderedwig(at)englishrose. com  
**Sent:** 07 July 1991, 18:09pm  
**To: **rumgalore(at)blackpearl. co. uk  
**Subject: **(RE) My Sincere Apologies  
Dear Jack Sparrow,  
There is no obligation for apologies, my dear Jack – there will come a day when I will distinguish your rotting corpse myself and be the happiest man in humanity from thenceforth. I am satisfied to linger patiently 'til that day approaches and when it does, I'll say good riddance, may your soul suffer a million deaths for the infinite terrible deeds committed…at sea OR on land.  
Yours truly,  
Commodore Norrington  
P.S. And there is a day yet to come that will perpetually be remembered as the day that Jack Sparrow almost escaped.  
P.P.S. That is a matter of opinion, Sparrow. I happen to deem it rather dashing and sophisticated – neither of which is a facade you could hitherto achieve.

**From: **powderedwig(at)englishrose. com  
**Sent: **07 July 1991, 18:53pm  
**To: **kindlyfighting(at)englishrose. com, coffeedrinker(at)englishrose. com, earlybird(at)englishrose. com, navyobsessed(at)englishrose. com, hamnlettuce(at)englishrose. com  
**Subject: **Significant Prompt  
Attention everyone,  
Through highly confidential sources, insightful information regarding the whereabouts of one Jack Sparrow has been obtained. I want everyone upon receiving of this e-mail to be stationed in Port Royale to be on exceptional vigilance for a swaggering, dreadlocked pirate with too much eyeliner. Don't fail to perceive him, on pain of death and if glimpsed, show no mercy.  
Yours,  
Commodore Norrington**  
**

**From: **bananasplit(at)cursedbaddies. gov  
**Sent:** 07 July 1991, 19:01pm  
**To:** grumpyandobnoxious(at)cursedbaddies. gov, applehater(at)cursedbaddies. gov, contradictory(at)cursedbaddies. gov, irksomefly(at)cursedbaddies. gov, seasick(at)cursedbaddies. gov  
**Subject:** Long time no see  
Hey guys,  
What do you say we get together for a few drinks later? Rum – all shots on me. 6:40, tomorrow? It's perfectly fine if you're hectic, of course.  
Your former Cap'n  
Barbossa

**From: **applehater(at)cursedbaddies. gov  
**Sent:** 07 July 1991, 19:37pm  
**To: **bananasplit(at)cursedbaddies. gov  
**Subject:** (RE) Long time no see  
Barbossa,  
Much obliged. May I point out you failed to specify the location?  
Your former crew affiliate,  
Duncan Norris

**From: **bananasplit(at)cursedbaddies. gov  
**Sent:** 07 July 1991, 19:49pm  
**To:** grumpyandobnoxious(at)cursedbaddies. gov, applehater(at)cursedbaddies. gov, contradictory(at)cursedbaddies. gov, irksomefly(at)cursedbaddies. gov, seasick(at)cursedbaddies. gov  
**Subject: **(RE) Long time no see  
Sorry gents,  
I seem to have disregarded to indicate the location of our little catch-up! Is The Rowdy Bandit fitting? Y'know, that nice pub downtown, I'm certain you've all perceived it.  
Your former Cap'n  
Barbossa

**From: **bigambitions(at)piratesahoy. gov  
**Sent:** 07 July 1991, 20:28pm  
**To:** sailingdaseas(at)poshtotties. org  
**Subject:** Meet up?  
Hello Elizabeth,  
I was just wondering if perhaps you'd maybe like to meet up at the workshop tomorrow – I've got the afternoon off and I speculated whether you'd want to see the beautifully crafted (if I do say so myself) penknives I toiled all day and night on. If you're not too chaotic, that is.  
Yours,  
Will

**From:** irksomefly(at)cursedbaddies. gov  
**Sent:** 07 July 1991, 20:34pm  
**To:** bananasplit(at)cursedbaddies. gov  
**Subject:** (RE) Long time no see  
My dear Barbossa,  
I'm afraid I can't – I'm still in bed with the most dreadful hangover from a rather fuzzy last night. Drinking your sorrows away…what a load of bloody bollocks.  
See ya,  
Your former crew affiliate,  
George Drew

**From:** seasick(at)cursedbaddies. gov  
**Sent:** 07 July 1991, 21:04pm  
**To:** bananasplit(at)cursedbaddies. gov  
**Subject:** (RE) Long time no see  
Barbossa, piss off and pester someone with a bit of lenience.  
Your loving former affiliate,  
Henry Gilbert

**From:** sailingdaseas(at)poshtotties. com  
**Sent:** 07 July 1991, 21:17pm  
**To:** bigambitions(at)piratesahoy. gov  
**Subject:** (RE) Meet up?  
Will,  
I'm afraid my schedule is rather frenzied and (most inopportunely) crammed to the brim tomorrow. Would I be able to come in three days instead? I beg your forgiveness most effusively and hope you are well.  
Yours,  
Elizabeth

**From: **grumpyandobnoxious(at)cursedbaddies. gov  
**Sent:** 07 July 1991, 21:57pm  
**To:** bananasplit(at)cursedbaddies. gov  
**Subject:** (RE) Long time no see  
Captain Barbossa,  
Splendid! It's been too long and we pirates esteem a good gossip, aye? Is it that little pub tucked away in the shadows that is scarcely discernible? Can't we go somewhere slightly more…tasteful?  
Your former crew affiliate,  
Derek Norton

**From: **Lonely Hearts _(matchmaker(at)lonelyhearts. com)  
_**Sent: **07 July 1991, 22:25pm  
**To:** mercilessandproud(at)flyingdutchman. org  
**Subject:** Lonely Hearts Account Confirmation  
Davy Jones,  
This e-mail is to confirm your registration with us at Lonely Hearts.  
Your account information:  
E-mail:  
Password: miseryonjam  
Your profile details:  
Name: Davy Jones  
Age: Not a day over 25!  
Appearance: ...  
Interests: Roaming the seas, pillaging etc.  
Looking for: Anything with legs.  
To activate your account, please click on this **link.  
**If you have not registered with us and no longer wish to receive these e-mails please click on this **link.  
**Thanks,  
Lonely Hearts – there's someone for everyone!

**From:** Facebook _(wallmaster(at)facebook. com)  
_**Sent: **08 July 1991, 08:36pm  
**To:** sailingdaseas(at)poshtotties. com  
**Subject:** Someone has written on your Funwall!  
Elizabeth Swann,  
Victoria Ashworth has written on your Funwall:  
_OMG Lizzie u'll neva gess wot rumour I herd 2day – apparently dat infaous pirate jack sparrow is in da vicinity!1!! Tere r soldiers everywere at da port royale, statined all ova da place!!1! Isn't it excitng??  
_Thank you,  
The Facebook Team

**From: **rumgalore(at)blackpearl. co. uk  
**Sent: **08 July 1991, 08:53pm  
**To:** powderedwig(at)englishrose. com  
**Subject:** (RE) My Sincere Apologies  
My dearest Commodore,  
You're not making any sense at all. First and foremost, it's CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow. Moreover, why would you be happy? The stench would surely be mightily atrocious! Further, a million deaths would be indisputably agonizing for a live personage but I, my good sir, would be as you so palpably declared "a rotting corpse." Also, you've wasted your time stationing soldiers at the Port Royale as I'm indeed far from you and your horrendous hairpiece.  
Yours Pirately,  
Captain Jack Sparrow  
P.S. Is that what you tell yourself to regain a bit of sanity?  
P.P.S. Mate, "dashing" and "sophisticated" are NOT the words of a sane person. If you want dashing, try looking exactly like me.

**From: **powderedwig(at)englishrose. com  
**Sent:** 08 July 1991, 9:11am  
**To: **sailingdaseas(at)poshtotties. org  
**Subject:** Marriage Proposal  
Darling Elizabeth,  
Although I may not be the most eloquent of men, it is my delight to compile this romantic e-mail in the hopes of gaining your hand in marriage. If you would do me the honour of accepting, I should be the happiest man alive for you are more than a fine woman, Elizabeth – you are charming, charismatic, compassionate and incredibly beautiful. Really, the sort of lady any man would be particularly auspicious to attain in matrimony. I will kneel at your feet and beg if I must and cry perpetuity of tears should a blossoming rose as you refuse your humble and faithful servant. My darling, the core of my being, beautiful Elizabeth, will you do me the honour of being my wife for eternity and beyond?  
Love,  
Commodore Norrington  
P.S. I await your rejoin with baited breath.

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**This is only a little taste - I will continue with this quirky e-mail fest if I get at least 10 reviews. Luv ya!xx**


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